She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
