You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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