the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
