I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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