I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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