I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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