Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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