i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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