last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
