That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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