I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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