He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
