Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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