Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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