I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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