My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
