I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
