My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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