Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
