I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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