I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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