I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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