Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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