Is it because I queefed?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
