Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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