If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
