I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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