K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
