This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
