Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
