You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
