Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
