this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
