Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
