I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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