so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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