sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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