my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
