If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
