I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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