did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
