R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
