The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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