I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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