i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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