Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
