I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
