A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
