my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
