think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
